Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lady Gaga needs a sandwich.

For the last few days, at work, I keep passing by the magazine rack and spotting the cover of the latest Rolling Stone magazine, featuring Lady Gaga. Check it out (look above this text). Here we see a strangely made-up lady with Betty Boop curves, Geisha-white skin, covered in bubbles. And it's all so gloriously PINK. How could it not catch my eye? The bubble get-up reminds me of a popular burlesque routine I have seen a few times, in which the dancer is covered in balloons and pops them one by one with her hair pin. Obviously, Lady Gaga decided to scale down with the bubbles so we can all see her magnificently airbrushed bod.

I really wasn't quite sure who this woman was, to be honest. Sure, I had heard of her. I think I even saw one of her music videos in a bar. But now she's on Rolling Stone and I felt like I had to investigate. I read her Wikipedia page (my source for useless and skewed information). Then I looked up some images of her on Google. Lady Gaga did "burlesque." Right. Pussycat Dolls-style burlesque that revolves around placing black duct tape X's over the nipples and hootchy dancing. If this is burlesque, I'm left to wonder, what is she teasing us with? There's nothing left to reveal when one prances onto stage and does this:

How charming! I have a few tips for Lady Gaga, based on the images and depictions of her in the media:

- Eat a goddamned sandwich. It will taste good, really.
- Wear some PANTS. I read some quote about girls in the UK searching for "knickers" like Gaga's. LG wears her panties in public. I say, put it away. People should pay to see that crap and you're giving the world a free show. Tacky.
- Do not ever claim to have danced "burlesque." You did some jacked up neo-version of it. Burlesque is all about the art of the tease, and the only person you're teasing would need to be blind.
- Stop throwing yourself at the media. Let them come to you. Lady Gaga has some growing up to do, and unfortunately we all have to watch.
I suppose I'm ultra-fickle and senstitive today, though I really feel that Lady Gaga is the type of woman who makes the rest of us chickies look bad. In my opinion, the world would be better without little Donatella Versace wannabes flashing their butts on the red carpet.


MaybeIndecisive said...

Amen, sister. Er, I mean girlfriend. Not my sister. NO. It's an expression, okay?
Though... black X-taped nipples? All I'm saying is that I wouldn't look away.

Anonymous said...

I don't like her music and this post made me laugh : )

Michael said...

i gotta disagree. yeah, maybe she should cover it up, but she's pretty much got everyone eating out of her hands--i think she knows what she's doing.